Setting the record straight! (original)

Last night my wife told me that one of the parents in our youth group said, "If Joe ever chaperones a youth event, parents may want to consider asking for someone else." Now I know this person was joking or at least I hope they were joking.

There was this one time when I chaperoned a ski trip a few years back, a mother came up to me and asked if I was the one who was going to be watching her youngest son. I told her I was. She had a concerned look on her face, so I assured her that everything would be OK. But, I added, if he don't behave I will just bodyslam him. Of course I was only kidding. But she gave me the meanest look I have ever seen and she said, "That is what I am worried about." I tried to assure her I was only kidding but she did not want to hear that.

So I am going to set the record straight and put everything on the table. After today people will either except me for the jokesterI am or not. It is as simple as that. As my favorite college science professor always said, "If you don't hate the Russians by the end of this lesson, I have failed in my objectives." Wait...That was one of his quotes, but not the one I need for this article. Anyway, let me get started.

1. Yes. I did melt candy bars and put them into diapers then have the kids taste the chocolate to see if they could guess what kind of candy bar it was. What? They were CLEAN diapers.

2. No. I did not run over the associate pastor's son with the car. That was someone else. It was just his foot, it was an accident, and he is OK.

3. Yes. I did have a live cricket spitting contest. Yes, the youth pastor's wife walked out because she was getting sick. But the Bible does say that people in the Old Testament used to eat crickets, locus and such. Yes, a tenth grade girl did win, GO Courtney!

4. No. I did not "borrow" any of Gabe's stuff. Gabe is our associate youth pastor. Someone else borrowed that stuff. I may have had a hand in a cyber prank though. I did come up with the name of the website "wehavegabesstuff.com." I did have a voice changing computer program that I used to leave Gabe a robot voice message . And I DID make the guys give Gabe his stuff back.

5. Yes. I did let my Sunday school class photocopy their face last year for us to make a bulletin board in our SS classroom. I supervised it and made sure everyone closed their eyes, so no one would get hurt. I am not the one who let them do it this year.

6. No. I did not fall into the hot tub at the ski trip two years ago. I was just testing the water.

7. Yes. I did seek revenge on one the 11th grade Sunday school teacher. I did nothing to provoke an attack on the trees at my place of residence with a soft tissue like substance. After watching Lord of the Rings, I felt compassion for my trees and decided to help them out. So with the help of MY SS class, we did get satellite pictures of her house. We made a couple of reconassice missions. We had acquired the help of a spy, an 11th grader, who to this day no one except me and a few other very reliable friends know their true identity. The mission fail because someone talked. The 11th grade SS teacher got the wrong person. But I learned my lesson, vengeance is mine saith the Lord.

8. No. I did not think of the practical joke at this years high school retreat. But, I did help remove one of the toilet seats in one of the girl cabins. It was before the girls got there and I did make sure it was put back into its proper place. Of course it took a couple of hours for us to remember where we put it.

9. Yes. I did have a bobbing for Spam contest. Yes, a 10th grade girl won again. Courtney is my hero!

10. Yes. I did put a dirty pair of underwear in Gabe's mouth. Let me explain. We were at World Changers sleeping in the Gym with 75 other guys. Gabe found this pair of underwear that had been laying on the floor. I noticed the underwear a few days earlier but I was not going to mess with them, I thought that they belonged to one of the guys. Well, long story short, Gabe attacked me with them. I took them from him and put them on his head. I could not help he was yelling and some of the cotton touched his teeth. That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Now, if there are stories out there about me and you have any questions about them, please email me and ask. I will tell you the whole true story.

Let me add one more thing. This is not a joke, it is very serious. Please believe me when I tell you this. I would never, ever, ever let anything happen to any youth I am watching. Or any youth for that matter. I love these kids and it would kill me if anything ever happened to them.

God Bless,
Joe

Setting the record straight! (original)